As I mentioned already, these stories are going to be honest and unfiltered. I started this blog because everyone loves to share their brightest moments, yet so few are willing to speak about the dark, defining experiences that actually shaped who they are today. Maybe it is out of embarrassment or a lack of vulnerability. Maybe most people are just shy. Well, you are in luck because I have nothing to hide and honestly nothing to lose. What I am trying to say is this story is going to be sad. My point of telling it is not to make you feel sad, instead to use it as a tool to discover something more meaningful. That being the case, here goes nothing.
My Sob Story
When I was 13 years old, my perspective of life abruptly went from carefree childhood fun to “is this really happening to me or am I having a nightmare?”. I was doing what any thirteen year old would be doing after school. Hanging out in my room trying to entertain myself and hiding from my siblings. Being the youngest, getting picked on comes with the territory. Unfortunately, this night would not go like all of the others. To give you a bit of context, I would every so often get phone calls from my real father, who lived in another state, because he simply wanted to talk and catch up with me. Tell me he loved me and all sorts of father like chit chat. And of course, as a thirteen year old, chit chat with my parents felt similar to watching infomercials or eating my vegetables. More often than not, I would just ignore these phone calls from him, knowing he would call back in week or so. Fast-forward to this night and “ring ring” there he is. And tonight felt like a night I wanted to hear from him. So, I answered the phone, eager to hear his voice on the other side. Instead, I hear a female voice addressing me saying “can I speak to your mother”. My innocent mind is like “Ummm, sure, but who is this? Where is my dad?”. Just like an atomic bomb hitting the ground she so carelessly told a THIRTEEN YEAR OLD child who was expecting to hear her dads voice “your dad is dead”. At this point I wanted to start slapping my face trying to wake up from the obvious nightmare I was having. But instead, I sat there frozen on my bed.
The Most Unsettling Part
The most unsettling thing I think about when it comes to that story is the fact that I did not even cry. I think I was in such a state of shock from the events that unfolded. So even after I went downstairs, broke the news to the entire room of my mom, two sisters, and step-dad, watched them begin to freak out and bawl their eyes out, I just sat there…frozen in time. As time went on, I would convince myself that maybe death just does not affect me. Don’t get me wrong. There was a flood of tears at the funeral. But it’s a funeral! What kind of sociopath does not cry at a funeral. Ultimately, I just carried on with my life. I would think about him here and there, get a tacky tattoo with his death date. Which, just for a little comic relief, is the wrong date by the way! It is a long story, and I would be happy to tell it to you sometime. Back to my point, I went on to believe that experience had little impact on my well-being and what I was doing with my life. And here lies the kicker… I was so exceedingly wrong!
The Parasites of Trauma
That horrific experience dug itself into every choice I touched, a parasite working in the dark while I pretended not to feel it. From the outside my life would look exciting, carefree, like I had it all figured out. I had no idea that the real me was slowly disappearing from the inside out. It can even be argued that I have never met the real me until this moment now, because of how young I was when it happened. I am sure you are asking yourself, “Why are you telling me all of this?”. What I began to realize is, that parasite kept building strength. Invading not only my life decisions, but soon my everyday thoughts. The hard truth is when this begins to happen, this is where people start to question if life is worth living. We see this too often in our culture today. Consequently, we also see people find quick and cheap answers to this dread-soaked question. This is my testimony. If you have been through anything that, maybe you know or maybe you do not know, is festering in you like a wound sealed too soon, trapping infection beneath the skin, then this article is for you. You deserve peace. You deserve to not be a prisoner of the grueling truths that are lying beneath you, affecting every decision you are making. Causing you fear, doubt, insecurities, and anxiety.
Peace as a Feeling
How do you describe peace? Is it a feeling? Is it a place? Is it a person? To me, peace can show up as all three of those things. Peace feels calm. It feels stable. It feels safe. Peace can often feel boring to someone who is not used to experiencing it. And you know what… peace IS kind of boring. But here is the twist, to me boredom is a feeling driven from unresolved chaos inside. It is that feeling of not being able to sit still, because when you do it feels unpleasant. It seems rare that anyone asks themselves, why does it feel unpleasant to sit still? Well coming from someone who has notable ADHD, sitting still means a flood of overthinking and lack of stimulation. Not fun. Even if you do not have ADHD, your lack of stillness could be trying to tell you a different story.
World of Endless Stimulation
We live in a world of constant stimulation, which has taught us an unsettling habit, avoidance of everything else that is not giving us a positive input. Whether that is scrolling through funny comedian reels, hitting your vape a hundred times a day, or heading to the bar for the third night in a row. When people need to escape, whether from a place or their own mind, they have to find stimulation. I know what you are probably saying right now, “I am not trying to escape from anything”. Even so, what if you were to entertain the idea, just like you are willing to entertain that bottle of red wine. It could be the fact that your dad died when you were young and you never delt with it, or the fact that you hate your job but are too afraid of starting over. Maybe you have told yourself a thousand times that you were going to start putting yourself first or finally start taking that Pilates class. Yet here you are, numbingly watching The Office, again, for the ninth time while anxiously hitting your vape to take the edge off.
You Are Choosing Your Chaos
Peace does not offer stimulation. Therefore, when people with unresolved issues witness peace, they immediately think “wow…that looks like dullsville”. When you have unresolved issues, you are unhealed. When you are unhealed, (I hate to break it to you) you are broken. You are this beautiful, handcrafted pot that took months to make, every detail carefully thought out and then smashed to the ground like lightning during a hailstorm! When you are broken your brain rejects stillness, because what is about to come next is even more painful than the thing that broke you. People naturally avoid pain. Our brains are literally wired to go the opposite direction of pain. What you probably do not want to come to terms with is the fact that there is something wrong with you and that you may not have as much control over your mind as you thought you had. The key to unlocking the door that gives you freedom over your own brain is your willingness to walk through the storm. I am sure you have heard the analogy… If you run from the storm, it will always be on your back, but if you run through the storm, yes it will suck, but you will come out the other side liberated. Here is the problem, rarely are people willing to trust the process of that pain in order to experience what comes after. And what is that you say? Yep, you already know, peace.
Peace as a Place
Once you have unlocked the door and conquered the storm, like David beating Goliath, you create a safe haven built with the stones of your own inner peace. The unforgiving truth is that no matter how much we strive to be healed, we cannot avoid all the chaos that this world so generously bestows upon us without our permission. Nevertheless, we can always come back to our safe haven. You get to choose what you let in and more importantly what you don’t. When you become this new force to be reckoned with you suddenly have the strength to do it. The scales begin to tip in the other direction, and you begin picking up (and also kicking) habits you never could before. Before healing, all of the chaos and broken pieces of myself could get blown around by the slightest gust of wind. Leading me in and out of relationships, friendships, jobs, and personal interests. I found it hard to stay invested in anything.
Where Do You Start?
But how do I heal? Well first you have to stop. Yes, I mean literally stop what you are doing. Whether you are a workaholic, the party friend, the serial TV watcher, or the person who has every block on their calendar filled in. Delete it. Okay obviously not all of it. I know you still have to show up for your job and pay your bills. Even so, outside of the do or be homeless things, just pause. Sit down, turn the TV off, put your phone and laptop in the other room and just sit. How long can you sit until you are uncomfortable? If the answer is not very long, we have a lot of work to do. Just kidding. But kind of not. Seriously though… shouldn’t that tell you something? Do you ever wonder why the people who lose everything have the most existential breakthroughs? Because they have nothing else to do but sit and think. Here is another unforgiving truth. You are not going to like it. What may follow is boredom, un-comfortability, confusion, resistance, and frustration. You will probably start thinking about things you do not want to think about. If any of this begins to happen, congratulations you have begun! Welcome to the healing club! Your journey has only just started.
Peace in a Person
So why did I say that peace was a person? Does that mean a person is my peace? Well yes and no. To each their own, but the credit I give to mustering up the strength to start this endeavor of meeting myself all goes to my main squeeze Jesus Christ. He is the foundation that this whole process and now my whole life has been built on. And do not get your panties in a bunch… I am not going to preach to you. All I can tell you is that I kept trying to change, day in and day out, and failed every. single. time. But the day I woke up, broken to pieces, googled my now church (which is great by the way, shout out to Eden Church Houston), walked into the doors, immediately started bawling my eyes out, my life has never been the same. Don’t knock it until you have tried it, because if you are anything like me, you have already tried everything else.
Why Not Start Now?
All of this is to say that you, me and the stranger next to you are all going through tough stuff. We do not have to be ashamed of it. We do not need to hide it. We need to embrace it. Lean on your friends or family and tell them how crappy of a day you are having. If you have deep cuts like I do, go see a therapist. Honestly, that is my favorite person to spill my tea to, because I am not required to have a relationship with her outside of that room! You deserve a life free of doubt, fear and anxiety. This does not mean that you are never going to experience these feelings again. What it does mean is that you will finally have the superpowers to strike them down when they enviably show up uninvited. We are not guaranteed a life rid of suffering. In fact, suffering is where you build personality and character. What we are guarantee is the gift of autonomy to take control of our mind and continuously find peace. Be honest with yourself, because I know I had to. And that is the only reason I could be sitting here testifying to this.